Dr. Tarrec’s Free Weekly Horoscope #20

Aries – If it was you-if you were the one who did it, please, for the sake of your continued humanity, return the stolen human brains. There is no market for them.

Taurus – Yes. You are correct: it was a sasquatch you saw in your yard during the thunderstorm last night. No.Your insurance will not cover the damage he caused.

Gemini – Venus rides with Jupiter in the western sky; the crescent moon is their chariot. But the ride is brief and the trio are soon separated. The show is over.

Cancer – A false door within the mirror will take you into the realm of the dead. Proceed with caution and pack a lunch.

Leo – Aristotle was a fool-the Octopus is not a “stupid creature.” A blessing and seven more for the wise and favored mollusk.

Virgo – You may encounter a walrus-faced apparition of Jesus in a pine-wood dresser. Do not allow this to disturb you.

Libra – Disregard both sides of the coin. Neither the tail nor the head will speak for you today.

Scorpio – Crumhorn playing hornets will guide you through fields of victory. But don’t ask if they know “We are the Champions,”-that song is reserved for their Queen.

Sagittarius – There are spiders in the dark and moths at the lamp, mites in our mattresses and microbes in our guts. We are outnumbered.

Capricorn –  You have no curiosity. I have no patience. We are well-met and ill-tempered.

Aquarius – The child started the conflagration at the police station. The Detective knows this. But was it an accident?

Pisces  – Do you speak the Words of Unknown? They are lost but, they may be recovered.