Aries – You’re filing frivolous lawsuits as the city burns. Meanwhile the Red Queen and her fourteen conspirators are marching towards the capitol.
Taurus – The letters you sent have been intercepted by hostile forces. You will have to resubmit all those FOI requests concerning PAU NAY LORON.
Gemini – Recall the soldiers as soon as possible - there’s been a terrible mistake.
Cancer – The dolphins have a plan to escalate their war with the dauphin. They’ve already begun placing mines in French waters.
Leo – The gunman will fall asleep, even in the midst of perpetrating the crime. Give him a pillow and a nice comforter before calling the police.
Virgo – Mabus is on the move. Look for him in Shropshire where farmers are reporting strange lights in the sky and vicious attacks against their sheep.
Libra – Large clumps of hay and grass may fall from the sky. Take the appropriate precautions to protect yourself.
Scorpio – Mix dew with minerals and the deed shall be done. A brother will poison his sister during childbirth and the child will succeed to the throne.
Sagittarius – Have you been feeling heavier than normal this week? There is a stone in your stomach. The English Fleet left it there during maneuvers last week.
Capricorn – The bodies were found, skulls crushed, ribs broken. One victim had her eyes and tongue removed. Was it a Yeti? More investigation is required in this case.
Aquarius – Lobsters, locusts, and lice shall appear in the streets of Geneva. They will be naked.
Pisces- There is deuterium oxide in the drinking water - heavy water, and your kitchen faucet may now be used for nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy.